So,
I didn’t actually get dumped. But it sure feels like it.
Let
me explain.
Dustin
and I have been house hunting. It
has been a lot like dating. I mean it feels a lot like dating. At times, it has
felt like a bad online dating experience. We fall in love with what we see on
the Internet, but have felt deceived when we see it in person. Other times we
fall too fast for something we don’t know much about but want to do what we can
to make it work.
Over
the last several weeks we thought we had found “the one.” We stumbled upon
(well, a good friend actually showed us) a beautiful home in Midtown. We were
hesitant at first. Kind of like when you go on a date with someone you have a
major crush on but when its time to actually go on a date you get really
nervous and you’re kind of cautious.
Long
story short, we fell in love. We prayed about it. We fantasized about the hopes
of having this home be a place where we could welcome friends, families and
strangers. We looked at our numbers. We prayed about it some more. We consulted
our parents. We prayed about it again. We started shopping online for things
you would need: washer/dryer, things I want but can’t always afford from World
Market (that was just for fun). We didn’t want to get our hopes up about this
house. It seemed pretty promising. We were confident this was what the Lord
wanted. We became emotionally attached.
Then,
like a dating relationship, we made our move. We put in an offer (which really
is a whole other story). But anyway, we put in an offer. I am not sure I ever
felt as vulnerable. It’s like when you put yourself out there for a potential
dating relationship. I always jumped the gun with those and wound up normally
telling the guy I liked him first. Sometimes that worked in my favor. Most of
the time not. But that’s neither here nor there.
Not
even 24 hours later, we were rejected. I’d like to believe it’s not personal.
I’m sure it’s not. But I instantly went to a place of feeling like a failure,
like we weren’t good enough. I asked questions like, “What did we do wrong?”
“What could we have done differently?” It didn’t matter. The reality is that
they accepted another offer. But there I was. Vulnerable. Heartbroken. I felt
like I was dumped by someone I hadn’t been with very long, but long enough to
leave me crying like a hot mess.
It’s
been 7 hours. I’m much better. My husband took me out for frozen yogurt and in
some ways that helped a lot. I realized a lot of things in the last 7 hours
though. God is still good. That truth didn’t change and I am very thankful for
that. His love for Dustin and me didn’t change. In fact, I believe he loves us
so much that there are reasons we don’t understand of why we didn’t get this
house that HE knows and it’s for our good. My dad reminded me of Romans 8:28,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for
those who are called according to his purpose.” God will work things out for
our good even if it’s not what we wanted or pictured.
Maybe
this was a reminder to not put my hope in the things of this world. They are so
fleeting. Maybe it was a good reminder of how easily my heart can begin to
idolize things that are good, but should be secondary in comparison to my
relationship with Jesus.
I
pulled out an old journal today. I hadn’t written in it for over 2.5 years and
had flipped to a page I wrote while I was dating my last boyfriend before
Dustin. (I should note that the journal is real cute; it has quaint little
houses on it-- how wonderful.) Anyway, reading about my relationship with this
other guy reminded me of how beautifully God works things out. It didn’t work
out with that guy. I remember when we broke up I was pretty vulnerable. Pretty
heartbroken. But God knew exactly what he was doing. He healed my heart shortly
after and I eventually met Dustin.
Whether it’s my husband
or a house, one thing is for sure: My hope can only be found in the Lord. In
him only I find complete satisfaction. House hunting is good and it’s fun and
it’s hard. But ultimately even having a home is fleeting. It doesn’t last. As
much as we desire to have a home with a good foundation (which is good and
wise) we desire more to make buying a home secondary to living a life marked by
the transforming truth of the Gospel. We don’t have anything to prove or to
work to be approved. In Christ, we have always been approved. Clinging to that
truth tonight.