Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I got dumped.

So, I didn’t actually get dumped. But it sure feels like it.

Let me explain.

Dustin and I have been house hunting. It has been a lot like dating. I mean it feels a lot like dating. At times, it has felt like a bad online dating experience. We fall in love with what we see on the Internet, but have felt deceived when we see it in person. Other times we fall too fast for something we don’t know much about but want to do what we can to make it work.

Over the last several weeks we thought we had found “the one.” We stumbled upon (well, a good friend actually showed us) a beautiful home in Midtown. We were hesitant at first. Kind of like when you go on a date with someone you have a major crush on but when its time to actually go on a date you get really nervous and you’re kind of cautious.

Long story short, we fell in love. We prayed about it. We fantasized about the hopes of having this home be a place where we could welcome friends, families and strangers. We looked at our numbers. We prayed about it some more. We consulted our parents. We prayed about it again. We started shopping online for things you would need: washer/dryer, things I want but can’t always afford from World Market (that was just for fun). We didn’t want to get our hopes up about this house. It seemed pretty promising. We were confident this was what the Lord wanted. We became emotionally attached.

Then, like a dating relationship, we made our move. We put in an offer (which really is a whole other story). But anyway, we put in an offer. I am not sure I ever felt as vulnerable. It’s like when you put yourself out there for a potential dating relationship. I always jumped the gun with those and wound up normally telling the guy I liked him first. Sometimes that worked in my favor. Most of the time not. But that’s neither here nor there.

Not even 24 hours later, we were rejected. I’d like to believe it’s not personal. I’m sure it’s not. But I instantly went to a place of feeling like a failure, like we weren’t good enough. I asked questions like, “What did we do wrong?” “What could we have done differently?” It didn’t matter. The reality is that they accepted another offer. But there I was. Vulnerable. Heartbroken. I felt like I was dumped by someone I hadn’t been with very long, but long enough to leave me crying like a hot mess.

It’s been 7 hours. I’m much better. My husband took me out for frozen yogurt and in some ways that helped a lot. I realized a lot of things in the last 7 hours though. God is still good. That truth didn’t change and I am very thankful for that. His love for Dustin and me didn’t change. In fact, I believe he loves us so much that there are reasons we don’t understand of why we didn’t get this house that HE knows and it’s for our good. My dad reminded me of Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.” God will work things out for our good even if it’s not what we wanted or pictured.

Maybe this was a reminder to not put my hope in the things of this world. They are so fleeting. Maybe it was a good reminder of how easily my heart can begin to idolize things that are good, but should be secondary in comparison to my relationship with Jesus.

I pulled out an old journal today. I hadn’t written in it for over 2.5 years and had flipped to a page I wrote while I was dating my last boyfriend before Dustin. (I should note that the journal is real cute; it has quaint little houses on it-- how wonderful.) Anyway, reading about my relationship with this other guy reminded me of how beautifully God works things out. It didn’t work out with that guy. I remember when we broke up I was pretty vulnerable. Pretty heartbroken. But God knew exactly what he was doing. He healed my heart shortly after and I eventually met Dustin.

Whether it’s my husband or a house, one thing is for sure: My hope can only be found in the Lord. In him only I find complete satisfaction. House hunting is good and it’s fun and it’s hard. But ultimately even having a home is fleeting. It doesn’t last. As much as we desire to have a home with a good foundation (which is good and wise) we desire more to make buying a home secondary to living a life marked by the transforming truth of the Gospel. We don’t have anything to prove or to work to be approved. In Christ, we have always been approved. Clinging to that truth tonight.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

hard days; gracious God.

I thought about writing a post about how my husband and I have been married for a blissful (hard, humbling, fun, frustrating, at times impatient but with great joy) 11 months today. Instead, I struggled for a brief moment after learning my husband was going to be traveling for 3 weeks in a row, wondering what the hell I got myself into when I married him. Harsh? Yeah, I know. But my heart wrestled with the reality of the importance of understanding and supporting my husband in his career and my selfish desire to have him all to myself every day of the week.

God so graciously reminded me that even if Dustin was home every day of the week for the rest of our lives, it still wouldn’t ultimately satisfy me. My hope doesn’t come from Dustin being home but in the One who sustains me, comforts me, rebukes me, encourages me and loves me in the moments when Dustin is gone. I need Jesus. Jesus is my only hope. Yeah, it sucks when my husband is gone. But, I am not alone. I am not abandoned or neglected. 

Praise the Lord. 

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.” Psalm 62:5-7