Thursday, February 11, 2016

a yes.

when you are thinking about trying to get pregnant or you are currently trying to get pregnant, its hard not to day dream about what it will feel like when you finally get a “yes.” will i cry? will i scream? will i laugh? will i tell my husband right away? and when every month for a year (two years, 5 years, fill in the blank years) the answer is “no,” it’s hard to even conceptualize a yes. it’s hard to really believe that it could actually happen. 

for me, i expected a “no” every time i took a test. i expected the digital test to say “just keep waiting,” or “not yet.” like i really believed those tests could say that, like they were a magic 8 ball or something. which i realize is completely unrealistic.

so, there we were. it was october. the royals were in the world series. we took a few months off from trying so that if for some miraculous reason we did get pregnant, we could still go to my brother’s wedding in California in May. those months off from trying were so great. it was so freeing and it was so restoring to step out of it and see how God was changing my heart. it was cool to see God’s faithfulness that up until that point, every month that was a no, just somehow made sense. that i trusted God knew what he was doing even when it hurt and sucked and i couldn’t really comprehend it at all. those few months off were restful. i was still building a business that i had started and i felt so much peace and thankful for a season of rest; continued dependence on God. And Him, in His goodness, was so generous to give us that time. But deep down I was so fearful that come May, we would still be trying.

but november. this month. this was the month we could find out if we got pregnant. was i hopeful? absolutely, yes. was i fearful? goodness, yes. i remember praying and pleading with God multiple times, “God, i just don’t know if I can do this month after month again. I just don’t think i can handle it. I trust you. I trust you. I just am so scared.”

on november 16, dustin left early to go to breakfast with a friend. i decided i would take a test even though my period wasn’t supposed to come for 2 more days. but it was all messed up and late in october and for some reason i was like “what the heck? I am used to seeing a no so this will be fine.” so i took a test. a cheap test from the dollar tree. those have clearly pointed to “no” many times, so i figured it would tell me the truth. i trusted those things. This time: “do i see a faint line? i doubt it. it’s gotta be messed up. but it looks faint.” so i got out a clear blue digital test that i had from a previous hopeful month. tested again. Pregnant. “What? this is a joke right? is this real?” i remember putting my hand over my mouth in compete and utter shock. i started crying and laughing awkwardly and saying “thank you, Jesus.” for about 3 hours i kept this news to myself. just pacing the floors and praying and crying and smiling. all of the things and all of the feels. i think i was experiencing them all. 

I eventually surprised dustin with a little royals world series shirt (because we conceived during the world series--i think thats the coolest part). and he was thrilled. and we were in shock.

here we are now. just over 12 weeks from that day. almost 17 weeks pregnant. still asking God for help to trust him. still praying as we have waited for first doctors appointments and first ultrasounds. even as i write this, i am over the moon excited and scared and thankful and grateful. grateful because we didn’t do anything different. we didn’t just “trust God more” or “pray harder” or any of that crap people (mostly “Christians”) say. Did we pray about this? yes. all of the time, tearfully and joyfully. Did we trust God? yes, with His help because left to myself I wanted to be in control because i believe i knew what was best for me. but so thankful for that yes. the yes that has forever changed our lives. a yes that will be a constant reminder of one of the hardest years of our lives, but oh how we have gained so much: a deeper dependance on a good and Holy God and a reminder of his goodness even when we are undeserving. yes.

and while we celebrate, i am acutely aware of those who are still waiting on a yes. i struggled immensely while deciding to announce our pregnancy at all. i know what it is like to sit on the “no” side of things. to watch as those have tastefully announced pregnancies and those who are constantly posting about the complaints of pregnancy. i’ve seen these. i’ve cried. and have rejoiced. we decided to privately announce to close friends and family, then to share it here. praying that even as it may sting some, that you can rejoice with us, knowing and trusting that i know the fears that come with each passing month of a “no.” when i have gotten to see miracles happen with those who have tried and tried and with those who have lost and gotten pregnant later, i realized that all of it--the good, the bad, the ugly-- should be something that we share and walk with one another in. we all need support. we all need encouragement. we all need to be reminded that we aren’t alone.

1 comment :

  1. So glad, Kiley, that you've announced your joy. It has given me more reason to boast in the Lord and His goodness. I can't wait to see who it is that's growing in there!

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