foot massages & treadmills

Why is this post titled foot massages & treadmills? Because it is. I’ll explain.

I tend to forget how wicked my heart is and in need of Savior. Yesterday went by too fast. We had church in the morning, went to lunch with some friends and I worked on this blog cussing and being impatient as I tried to figure out some dumb html stuff. Before we knew it was 5 o’clock and we decided to rent a movie. Dustin also decided it would be a good idea to get food from McDonald’s (I guess this means that I agreed). Monopoly at McDonald’s was almost over, so why not? So off we went to go rent our movie and order our McDonalds. After getting home, eating, and preparing for this morning’s coffee and my husband’s lunch, it was time to watch our movie. Earlier yesterday, I had left the treadmill down. I like to leave the treadmill down. Mostly because I feel like when I do I am more motivated to get on it. I mean, it really only takes 3 seconds to put it down if it’s been up. Whatever. Dustin asked me to put it up (our treadmill is in our dining room and our dining room was huge until we had some furniture in there recently...anyway). I instantly swelled with pride. Mostly stemming from the fact I was mad at myself for just eating McDonalds (I ate a snack wrap). My inner dialogue is, “Doesn’t he know that it’s more motivating for me to leave it down? What is the big freakin deal if I leave it down? He needs to just get over the fact that it’s down. It’s not the end of the world. Seriously, you can walk on the other side of the dining room.” Woof. I was reminded in that moment how I was making this a much bigger deal than it really was. Why couldn’t I serve my husband by putting the treadmill up? It only takes 3 seconds. I begin to be hard on myself, “Kiley, you can do better. You just need to try harder next time to be nicer and to not let those things affect you.” This is such BS. Sure, I can be nicer next time, but not relying on myself to do so. My heart is the issue. My pride is the issue. That’s where my need for a Savior comes in. “Lord, HELP me. Show me my pride; show me the places of my heart that need to be reminded of your grace and your love for me. HELP ME love my husband by serving him even if I do think his request to have the treadmill up is absolutely ridiculous.” I didn’t apologize. I put the treadmill as a way to serve (okay, in my heart I did it to appease my husband, not because I wanted to). We put in our movie. There we were: bitter, unresolved and not entirely pleasant.

During our movie, I asked Dustin to rub my feet. I ALWAYS ask Dustin to rub my feet. In fact, it’s probably extremely annoying. He didn’t immediately begin to rub them (I’m impatient, remember?) So, I said, “whatever.” Ahh, yet another moment my selfishness and impatient heart comes overflowing out of my loud mouth. Jesus, I need you. I find out later, that during the whole movie, Dustin was mad at me. He said he was “holding a grudge.” Now, don’t get me wrong...that’s not really my problem. However, I saw how my sin so easily affected him and his heart. I don’t put that on myself, thank the Lord, but marriage is supposed to be about making one another holy, is it not? Not happy. What a terrible lie that we so easily believe from the world. If we wanted to make each other happy we would be so exhausted. I would want a foot massage ever 30 seconds and Dustin would want to probably never rub my feet again. So, like, that’s not going to work out.

Anyway, the point is, I would love if Dustin and I could communicate better and resolve conflict faster... we are working on that. However, I am thankful for those moments that reveal the dark places of our hearts so we can repent, forgive one another and continue to ask the Lord for help.

Marriage has continually revealed to me my sin. I would say that it’s been the most humbling thing I’ve ever done. Marriage is hard. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because I am constantly reminded that my hope cannot be found in my husband. Even if I wasn’t married, my hope cannot be found in the idea of marriage. My hope cannot be found in “doing better, trying harder.” My hope cannot be found in not eating McDonalds and working out every single stinkin day. This is a place my hope can be found. It can only be found in the cross of Jesus. That is where my hope and treasure lies. Jesus lived a life we should have and died a gruesome death that we deserved. I am way more sinful than I would like to think of myself, but more loved and welcomed than I could ever hope for. God has no wrath left for me because Jesus satisfied that on the cross (Romans 8:1). This is good news. This is the only news that gives us the freedom to admit we have some jacked up and our only hope is found in Jesus. Believe and trust that beautiful truth.