a yes.

when you are thinking about trying to get pregnant or you are currently trying to get pregnant, its hard not to day dream about what it will feel like when you finally get a “yes.” will i cry? will i scream? will i laugh? will i tell my husband right away? and when every month for a year (two years, 5 years, fill in the blank years) the answer is “no,” it’s hard to even conceptualize a yes. it’s hard to really believe that it could actually happen. 

for me, i expected a “no” every time i took a test. i expected the digital test to say “just keep waiting,” or “not yet.” like i really believed those tests could say that, like they were a magic 8 ball or something. which i realize is completely unrealistic.

so, there we were. it was october. the royals were in the world series. we took a few months off from trying so that if for some miraculous reason we did get pregnant, we could still go to my brother’s wedding in California in May. those months off from trying were so great. it was so freeing and it was so restoring to step out of it and see how God was changing my heart. it was cool to see God’s faithfulness that up until that point, every month that was a no, just somehow made sense. that i trusted God knew what he was doing even when it hurt and sucked and i couldn’t really comprehend it at all. those few months off were restful. i was still building a business that i had started and i felt so much peace and thankful for a season of rest; continued dependence on God. And Him, in His goodness, was so generous to give us that time. But deep down I was so fearful that come May, we would still be trying.

but november. this month. this was the month we could find out if we got pregnant. was i hopeful? absolutely, yes. was i fearful? goodness, yes. i remember praying and pleading with God multiple times, “God, i just don’t know if I can do this month after month again. I just don’t think i can handle it. I trust you. I trust you. I just am so scared.”

on november 16, dustin left early to go to breakfast with a friend. i decided i would take a test even though my period wasn’t supposed to come for 2 more days. but it was all messed up and late in october and for some reason i was like “what the heck? I am used to seeing a no so this will be fine.” so i took a test. a cheap test from the dollar tree. those have clearly pointed to “no” many times, so i figured it would tell me the truth. i trusted those things. This time: “do i see a faint line? i doubt it. it’s gotta be messed up. but it looks faint.” so i got out a clear blue digital test that i had from a previous hopeful month. tested again. Pregnant. “What? this is a joke right? is this real?” i remember putting my hand over my mouth in compete and utter shock. i started crying and laughing awkwardly and saying “thank you, Jesus.” for about 3 hours i kept this news to myself. just pacing the floors and praying and crying and smiling. all of the things and all of the feels. i think i was experiencing them all. 

I eventually surprised dustin with a little royals world series shirt (because we conceived during the world series--i think thats the coolest part). and he was thrilled. and we were in shock.

here we are now. just over 12 weeks from that day. almost 17 weeks pregnant. still asking God for help to trust him. still praying as we have waited for first doctors appointments and first ultrasounds. even as i write this, i am over the moon excited and scared and thankful and grateful. grateful because we didn’t do anything different. we didn’t just “trust God more” or “pray harder” or any of that crap people (mostly “Christians”) say. Did we pray about this? yes. all of the time, tearfully and joyfully. Did we trust God? yes, with His help because left to myself I wanted to be in control because i believe i knew what was best for me. but so thankful for that yes. the yes that has forever changed our lives. a yes that will be a constant reminder of one of the hardest years of our lives, but oh how we have gained so much: a deeper dependance on a good and Holy God and a reminder of his goodness even when we are undeserving. yes.

and while we celebrate, i am acutely aware of those who are still waiting on a yes. i struggled immensely while deciding to announce our pregnancy at all. i know what it is like to sit on the “no” side of things. to watch as those have tastefully announced pregnancies and those who are constantly posting about the complaints of pregnancy. i’ve seen these. i’ve cried. and have rejoiced. we decided to privately announce to close friends and family, then to share it here. praying that even as it may sting some, that you can rejoice with us, knowing and trusting that i know the fears that come with each passing month of a “no.” when i have gotten to see miracles happen with those who have tried and tried and with those who have lost and gotten pregnant later, i realized that all of it--the good, the bad, the ugly-- should be something that we share and walk with one another in. we all need support. we all need encouragement. we all need to be reminded that we aren’t alone.

one.

This week marks 1 year of trying to conceive for me and my husband. I had it marked on our calendar because I was hoping we wouldn't make it to that point, but here we are. Our story at times seems so small compared to the years of struggle other couples face, but I've come to realize it's just as much real and hard and I've learned to let God meet me there. 

I would have never imagined in a million years this would be part of our story. I never imagined the countless months of hope that led to disappointment. I never imagined the sadness I would experience when best friends and acquaintances announced pregnancies. I never imagined asking God over and over, "why?" Even when we have had questions answered, I never imagined the rejoicing that would take place in my heart all the while, crying and hoping that it would be different.  I never imagined, at the same time, how I could experience the joy in the midst of what has felt never-ending. I never imagined sharing in heartache with a good friend who has suffered lost. I never imagined what a year of TTC would have done for our marriage, drawing us toward one another in ways we never expected. I never imagined being brought low to a place of utter dependence of Jesus. I never imagined God peeling away the layers of my heart to see Him as a good God and not as a cosmic joker who is watching me and laughing at me. That's not who He is. I've come to trust that those things are not a part of His character. I'm forever changed because of that truth. 

I never imagined any of that. I imagined having a baby right now. But that's not our story. My heart is so thankful. I'm thankful because while we still hope and pray for a child, however that may come, we have a good God who weeps with us. A God who cares for us. We have a God who longs for us to find comfort in him. 

I write this not for pity but to declare the hope I have in Jesus. I write this to proclaim the goodness and graciousness of our God. I write this for women and families who feel isolated and alone in a similar struggle. I write this to rejoice with those who have struggled and now rock a sweet baby to sleep in their arms. I write this to encourage those who feel utterly hopeless--that there is hope and it's found outside of ourselves in the person and presence of Jesus. A hope that's enteral, a hope that's life giving, a hope that sustains and is never lacking. 

I write this as a testament of God's grace that he breathes life into things that were once before not found. 

So as you wait, and I wait, as we wait together, may you be reminded you aren't alone. It's okay that we are sad and that we cry out and that we ask "why?" And it's okay to ask for help and to reach out to a friend or someone you trust. 

Let's not hide. Let's talk about our hurt and our pain. Let's share in the burden of this together. I'm a woman who longs to have a baby, who struggles with infertility and who knows a fraction of what it's like to experience the cycle of disappointment. I know that I'm not alone. Let's walk through this together. 

no-bake cookies & the wilderness

Over this past year, no-bake cookies are my go-to. Not like my go-to when I’m hungry or when I want something sweet (well, maybe sometimes). But they are the treat I make in a hurry when we have friends coming over or my girlfriends and I get together to watch The Bachelor (or chocolate covered strawberries--but those are a different story). No-bake cookies are delicious and easy to make (aka hard to screw up). But in all honesty, most of the time I screw them up. I like to play this game of “Oh, I have most of the ingredients to make these. I’ll try this other thing instead of these other things and it will work great.” Except it doesn’t. It never really does. They are either too runny or too sticky. We eat them anyway. 

This happened to me just last night. For months I’ve been thinking about how my experience with no-bake cookies is much like my life in the wilderness right now. 

This past year has also been a season of waiting, disappointment and uncertainty. Dustin and I have been trying to get pregnant for just under a year. It’s not hard to bring people into this, but as a I type I am actually experiencing a tightness in my chest (or it could be the no-bakes I made last night that ended up giving me heartburn--I’m deflecting, really). It’s been a hard season. Hard, because I feel like trying for almost a year doesn’t even come close to what some couples experience. I feel the temptation to suppress or tell myself “just get over it. ______ has been trying longer” or “our experience isn’t nearly has difficult as ______.” It’s been hard because I’ve been brought low to a place where I am constantly crying out to God to give me answers and when He doesn’t, I doubt his goodness. It’s been hard because I’ve felt broken, isolated, and shameful for something I ultimately have no control over. I feel like I’m in the wilderness. Walking and wandering. Looking for a fresh spring just up the way, only to find more desert. Only to be disappointed. Only to look to Jesus to satisfy me while experiencing sorrow and frustration and fear. 

Sure, the wilderness doesn’t seemingly represent my traumatic and delicious experiences with no-bake cookies, but in many ways, it does. Every time I try and alter the ingredients just slightly, they don’t turn out how I think they would or should. They are different. They still taste good, but they are dissimilar. It’s humbling. It shows my lack of trust with a recipe, believing in those moments what I am going to come up with is so much better. As I’ve been in the wilderness this last year, I’m reminded of how I try to look to other things to satisfy, thinking at the end of the day I know what I’m doing and God doesn’t. I often don’t trust his goodness and his faithfulness so I try to conjure up my own ingredients, my own contributions, my own devices to make things the way I want them to be--it doesn’t work. It turns out messy, it turns out ugly. 

“And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not.  And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word  that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years.” (Deut 8:2-4). 

God is a good father. That is who He is. He is faithful. He hasn’t left me (us) to ourselves.  As I continue to walk in the desert (I’m still there), I can continue to cry out and ask Him why. I can be sad and hurt and frustrated and weary. And (at the same time) I can trust him. He’s meeting me there. It’s brutal and and it’s ugly and His faithfulness still tastes so much sweeter than anything I could have come up with myself. 

twenty fourteen: waiting.

We are obviously nearing the end of 2014. My natural inclination for the last, however many years, has been to reflect on the year: the ups and downs, God’s faithfulness, and fun times that I don’t want to forget. 

This year feels different though. I’ve had the same desire to reflect, but am avoiding it with all that is within me. I think God, in his graciousness, has been peeling back these layers of realization that I don’t want to reflect on the end of the year because 2014 didn’t look the way I wanted. 

2014 has been hard. I know there have been so many other people who have experienced pain, heartache and disappointment in much worse and life-changing ways than I have. But I am so prone to disregard my own feelings sometimes because “I know others have had a much harder time.” 2014 has been a constant push for me to recognize pain and hurt in my own life and deal with it. Not just deal with it by announcing to maybe my husband or a close friend that I have been hurt (I’m pretty emotional so this tends to happen more often than not). But like, actually sitting in that hurt for a while. I don’t ever do this (maybe because I’m scared or it’s emotionally draining or whatever). I just don’t ever let myself feel the weight of how I am feeling or what I am experiencing.  I get hurt, I cry, I ask Jesus for help, and I guess I just keep telling myself, “Okay, now get over it. You’ll be fine.” And most of the time, because of God’s goodness, I am okay. But this year constantly revealed dark places of my heart that are hurt and God is relentlessly drawing me to himself to trust him with my feelings, trust Him by acknowledging hurt, and trusting Him to put me back together.

2014 felt a lot like a huge waiting game. Waiting for a possible job opportunity. Waiting for the possibility of a baby. Waiting to finally feel healthier, only to mess it up again. Having a job I’m totally not in to, only to fight to trust Jesus with my future. 

I am more and more aware of how much unrest has crept into my world this past year.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30) 

I am learning that this promise is for me too. Not just those who work hard and are tired. But for me, too. Jesus isn’t telling me here to “get it together” or “come to me when you are ready to trust me.” But even when my heart is so weary and so heavy and so pissed and frustrated, he still calls me to come to him. 

This Christmas season, by what I believe is the sure goodness of God, has been surprisingly relaxing. Every year I am praying for time to slow down and enjoy the advent season. To be honest, I don’t think I prayed for that this year. I’m pretty sure I just hopped right into this season under the pretense that it will be like every year prior; busy, stressful, fattening, yet fun. However, I was quickly reminded of the fact that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me and God’s grace to me this season has been showing me that he is faithful even when I totally neglect to come to him for help. He is good to give us a season in which we can really reflect and meditate on the waiting of what we even celebrate at Christmas; the birth of the Savior of the world. 

Waiting sucks. But I believe God is faithful in the waiting. Think about all of those years people waited for God to fulfill his promise of his Son. Can you EVEN imagine that waiting game? The anticipation, the weary hearts, the frustrated souls, the faithful followers who passionately longed for God to break in and rip us apart with the grace that we find in Jesus.

On Sunday night, I found myself anxious and overwhelmed for the week to come. I am considering different job opportunities and I am a little stressed out and a lot not trusting Jesus. Then, Monday morning I woke to find out the kiddo I nanny was sick and his mom didn’t need me to come in. This maybe doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone, but to me it was yet another example of God’s faithfulness. I am so quick to feel entitled to these moments where I get this unexpected break and get to just hang out and do whatever. But I was overwhelmed with the small details of my life that God cares about.

I wish I could say that upon realizing all of these things about God’s faithfulness and his goodness to me totally changed how I feel about 2014. But since I am doing this new thing where I allow myself to feel things that I would normally push aside, I can be honest and say that I’m praying for God to help me trust his faithfulness. As 2014 quickly comes to a close, I need more than ever for Jesus’ grace to rip me to shreds and continue to show me my need for him. If that looks like a crappy 2015, then so be it. There is nothing sweeter than my need for Jesus, the one who gives rest. The one who came to save our souls. The one who is coming again. 

gentleness(less)

we all know those people who are so nice. they speak and have a softness to their voice and a patient tone. even when they are “mad” you have trouble noticing because their state of “mad” is like your proudest moment of being nice to someone. i’m not mad at these people (however, if i am being honest i would love to hear them just really get angry). in fact, i find my heart inclined to be a little envious that they are so nice. i don’t understand how they are so patient and so sweet. i find myself racking my brain, tempted, wanting to know the 5 steps of sounding nicer to people, having the perfect tone when talking to people. 

the last few weeks i have been wrestling with my lack of gentleness or my increasing expertise in gentleness(less) towards people. my husband, my mom, my friends. i was discouraged. maybe in more ways as i reflect even now, i am discouraged. as a counselor, i find myself always talking with people. sometimes i probably don’t know how i sound. maybe i come off as harsh. especially when i talk to dustin and i hear him say, “okay. alright. okay.” in a tone that would sound as if i have just scolded or harshly instructed him. my heart aches in those moments because the last thing i want is to be heard in that way. my heart’s inclination is to get mad at him for responding to me in such a way, but these last few weeks i’ve been given grace to see things from a different perspective: maybe it’s me. maybe i sound harsh. how did that really sound?

as i was reading 2 timothy 2:22-26 this week, solely by coincidence (well, God’s sovereignty of course) i was encouraged by my need to ask God for help here…

[“And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth...” ]

even approaching others with gentleness is something i can’t muscle up on my own. i need the Lord’s help. fairly often i find myself in situations that i need to confront someone, comfort someone, or speak truth to someone -- which is really just living life in community with other people and having conversation. and oh, how often i am not gentle. i’m harsh. i’m impatient. i’m quick to assume something about the other person. oh, how the Lord is being gentle with me as he is making this aware to my soul. how transformative it has been to watch the spirit work even in the last several days.

instead of looking to those people who are nice and friendly and who i become easily envious of, i am free to ask God to help me be gentle. i don’t have to look to 5 steps for becoming a nicer person because at the core of who i am, i’m terrible. i am in need of redemption in the way i even talk to people. though, even in harsh words and hateful tones, my identity doesn’t change. i am still a daughter of the most high. i am still accepted and deeply loved by the Father. it’s because of Jesus’ perfect life, death and resurrection that i am even able to share in God’s grace while his spirit enables me to be gentle.

i’m thankful for moments that i see my sin, i see my inability to be gentle with others when left to myself. it’s there i see my deep need for dependence on a gracious, merciful, forgiving, patient, steadfast God.

dependence.

It's funny how quickly I become dependent on things or people other than Jesus. I'm thankful for God's subtle and other times HUGE reminders of my need for Jesus and dependence of him.

Quitting sugar (it's kind of hard), buying a home (my heart easily becomes discontent with things I feel like we need to have for the home), my husband who travels for work (I don't know how military wives or families do it) and my inability to overcome my anxiousness in the midst of all these things reminds me of how frail and needy I am. 

We live in a culture that screams "INDEPENDENCE." As much as I love to be independent (mostly due to my selfish and prideful heart), it seems counterculture to be dependent on the Lord. Even in the name of Jesus, Christians look to themselves to be their own savior, they put their hope in things that fade and freak out when things don't go their way, me included (More often than not).

As I think about our dependence on something (SOMEONE) much greater than ourselves, I cling to John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

Today, I am thankful for this promise. In the hustle and bustle of life, God is good, and my dependence on Him brings me much joy and freedom knowing that I'm not left to myself to figure things out.

i'm quitting sugar.

It’s true. I’m quitting sugar. Today is day 5 of an 8-week program, that you can read about here. In December, one of my most cherished friends, Haley and I decided to start an 8-week program. It was easier to make that commitment when I had a friend that was going to do it with me. I would say she probably feels the same way. Mostly because she convinced me to do it.

So, why quit sugar? There are several reasons one may one would want to quit sugar. Maybe one has a sugar addiction. For me, it is a way for me to recalibrate my body. The first year of marriage just came up on me when I realized I had gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds? WHAT? In response I say, “but, I’m making homemade meals and we are trying not eat out” Well, whatever. We were excited to be married and probably used that as an excuse to run across the street to the grocery store and get a tub of ice cream. I wanted to do this program because it serves as a way for me to still make meals at home and to gain knowledge about what it looks like to cook meals with whole foods. When reading about whether or not I should quit sugar, I realized I was experiencing many of the questions Sarah was asking:

Do you get an energy slump in the afternoon? Uhm, yep. Always.
Do you need something sweet after lunch or dinner? Always. Mostly chocolate. Specifically dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt from Trader Joe’s. 
Does your stomach get bloated after eating? Uhmm...Yep.
Are you unable to eat just one piece of cake and walk away? Most of the time I can walk away. But I usually don’t deny a piece of cake.
Are you “podgy” around the middle, perhaps even slim everywhere else? Well, yes to the podgy around the middle.
Do you often feel unclear? That you’re not always sharp and on-form? Uhm yes. For the last few weeks leading up to IQS8wp, I went to the doctor because I was experiencing having a foggy head that really scared me.
Do you want to lose weight? Duh.
Do you have an autoimmune issue and wonder if quitting sugar might make a difference? Maybe. Probably not. 

So, is sugar my problem? Maybe. There is literally sugar in so much crap. Has this been my problem? Maybe. We will find out. I am 5 days in and I’m not completely starving and I haven’t had sugar. I don’t see any difference yet because I have also been sick for the last 4 days with a cold. 

Anyway, most programs consist of crappy food or not much food or lots of shakes and things. What I love so much about this program is the knowledge of all of the wonderful things I can eat and how delicious it has all been. Seriously. So good. Here are a couple of things I have eaten throughout this week. 

This Sausage & Beetroot hash was delicious. I used Scimeca's Italian Sausage, local to KC. I roasted some beets and added onion and spinach to complete the dish. So good.

I improvised this a little bit. Instead of pumpkin puree that the recipe called for, I just used sweet potatoes (which are like my favorite anyway). I coated the chicken nuggets with gluten free flour (I'm on a GF diet per my doctor for a month to test my sensitivity to it-except I totally failed during the Super Bowl. oops!), an egg and shredded unsweetened coconut. I steamed the broccoli and snow peas with coconut oil, lemon, & some salt and pepper.

THIS has got to be my favorite treat from this week. For breakfast on Tuesday and Friday, we made a Toastie aka Grilled Cheese (I guess Toastie is an Australian thing??). Anyway, so simple. Avocado, cheddar cheese and well, I added an egg. 

Oh, and Dustin has been incredible supportive and has enjoyed the food as well. Except he has also eaten all of our leftover pizza from the Super Bowl last Sunday. Whatever. He loves it and I am really encouraged that he is also on this journey with me! 

I am thankful to be doing this. I am excited to see what comes of the 8 weeks. The goal is to make this a lifestyle. Thank you Jesus, for sustaining me this week when all I wanted was that GIANT chocolate chip cookie my friend Rachel brought to Gospel Community last night. 

Oh, and I'm thankful for the grace of Jesus. So often I see people trying diets (although this is not a diet) and beat themselves up when they make one little mistake. I think if it wasn't for the grace of Jesus in my life is so many different areas, I would be tempted to beat myself up too. I am just thankful for the opportunity.