i'm quitting sugar.

It’s true. I’m quitting sugar. Today is day 5 of an 8-week program, that you can read about here. In December, one of my most cherished friends, Haley and I decided to start an 8-week program. It was easier to make that commitment when I had a friend that was going to do it with me. I would say she probably feels the same way. Mostly because she convinced me to do it.

So, why quit sugar? There are several reasons one may one would want to quit sugar. Maybe one has a sugar addiction. For me, it is a way for me to recalibrate my body. The first year of marriage just came up on me when I realized I had gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds? WHAT? In response I say, “but, I’m making homemade meals and we are trying not eat out” Well, whatever. We were excited to be married and probably used that as an excuse to run across the street to the grocery store and get a tub of ice cream. I wanted to do this program because it serves as a way for me to still make meals at home and to gain knowledge about what it looks like to cook meals with whole foods. When reading about whether or not I should quit sugar, I realized I was experiencing many of the questions Sarah was asking:

Do you get an energy slump in the afternoon? Uhm, yep. Always.
Do you need something sweet after lunch or dinner? Always. Mostly chocolate. Specifically dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt from Trader Joe’s. 
Does your stomach get bloated after eating? Uhmm...Yep.
Are you unable to eat just one piece of cake and walk away? Most of the time I can walk away. But I usually don’t deny a piece of cake.
Are you “podgy” around the middle, perhaps even slim everywhere else? Well, yes to the podgy around the middle.
Do you often feel unclear? That you’re not always sharp and on-form? Uhm yes. For the last few weeks leading up to IQS8wp, I went to the doctor because I was experiencing having a foggy head that really scared me.
Do you want to lose weight? Duh.
Do you have an autoimmune issue and wonder if quitting sugar might make a difference? Maybe. Probably not. 

So, is sugar my problem? Maybe. There is literally sugar in so much crap. Has this been my problem? Maybe. We will find out. I am 5 days in and I’m not completely starving and I haven’t had sugar. I don’t see any difference yet because I have also been sick for the last 4 days with a cold. 

Anyway, most programs consist of crappy food or not much food or lots of shakes and things. What I love so much about this program is the knowledge of all of the wonderful things I can eat and how delicious it has all been. Seriously. So good. Here are a couple of things I have eaten throughout this week. 

This Sausage & Beetroot hash was delicious. I used Scimeca's Italian Sausage, local to KC. I roasted some beets and added onion and spinach to complete the dish. So good.

I improvised this a little bit. Instead of pumpkin puree that the recipe called for, I just used sweet potatoes (which are like my favorite anyway). I coated the chicken nuggets with gluten free flour (I'm on a GF diet per my doctor for a month to test my sensitivity to it-except I totally failed during the Super Bowl. oops!), an egg and shredded unsweetened coconut. I steamed the broccoli and snow peas with coconut oil, lemon, & some salt and pepper.

THIS has got to be my favorite treat from this week. For breakfast on Tuesday and Friday, we made a Toastie aka Grilled Cheese (I guess Toastie is an Australian thing??). Anyway, so simple. Avocado, cheddar cheese and well, I added an egg. 

Oh, and Dustin has been incredible supportive and has enjoyed the food as well. Except he has also eaten all of our leftover pizza from the Super Bowl last Sunday. Whatever. He loves it and I am really encouraged that he is also on this journey with me! 

I am thankful to be doing this. I am excited to see what comes of the 8 weeks. The goal is to make this a lifestyle. Thank you Jesus, for sustaining me this week when all I wanted was that GIANT chocolate chip cookie my friend Rachel brought to Gospel Community last night. 

Oh, and I'm thankful for the grace of Jesus. So often I see people trying diets (although this is not a diet) and beat themselves up when they make one little mistake. I think if it wasn't for the grace of Jesus in my life is so many different areas, I would be tempted to beat myself up too. I am just thankful for the opportunity.

a new year; same Savior.

With just a few days into the new year, I’m sure hundreds of people have already broken resolutions they have made as a way of being “better” or whatever. I’m glad I didn’t make a resolution to be a “better” person, cause the truth is I think these last 3 days have only revealed to me how often I have a tendency to find comfort in things that are fleeting.

I spent the entire New Year's Day being grumpy and used my grumpiness to excuse how I responded to other people, particularly my husband. But he so graciously pointed out to me about 10 times my attitude, my excuses and called me repent.

Honestly, I think this day was a realization of all of the “resolutions” I wanted to make but knew that left to myself I couldn’t accomplish said “resolutions”. Instead I became bitter and angry. I see people on social media making resolutions to lose weight, be nicer, do this or that or whatever (and in my tendency to think the worst about people--I say, “Ha. Good luck.”) But I look at my own life and the goals or dreams that I desire and panic over how I could never attain these things in the amount of time I want (like 2 days because I’m so impatient).

So I ask myself, that in the midst of a new year and new resolutions, how does the Gospel of Jesus apply to this? I remember and rest in the truth that in the Gospel of Jesus, God lavishes us with his love, he liberates us by his grace, and he doesn’t stop transforming us and redeeming us. How could I want any thing else other than this? Because the Gospel is true I don’t have to respond to the demand I place on myself for New Year’s resolutions--promises of what I am going to do for you or for myself. I can abandon myself to everything that Jesus has done for me and for you. He is the promise keeper and has promised to make me new (1).

How freeing is that? I don’t have to look to myself to accomplish these things that I think would bring me “life” No, I can look to Jesus and trust that he is redeeming me even amongst the ways I desire to lose weight, read more, whatever. I am free to do these things I desire, yet not beat myself up when I don’t accomplish them.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”(Romans 8:1-2) I love preaching these verses to myself because it reminds me of my standing with the Lord. We all have the temptation to beat ourselves up over our sin, frustrations consistently resorting to doing the same thing over and over. It reminds me of how God sees me when he looks at me. He sees Jesus. 

Friends, I would say if you were honest you know that left to yourself you can’t “accomplish” all that you wish this new year as well. I don't say this to be a debbie downer. But think about it. It won't be long down the road: maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week, a month or two from now that you will find yourself doing or not doing that "resolution" you promised yourself you would do or not do. But there is hope for you and for me. What if you believed for the first time that Jesus is enough for you? What if you looked to Him to be for you all of those things you put on yourself to accomplish? I know that real hope for change and transformation with an eternal perspective comes from knowing Jesus. 

If I am going to long for one thing this year, I pray it is to linger longer in the presence of Jesus. He brings life. He sustains. In Him, we have everything we need. So I don’t need to lose this specific amount of weight, or read more or work harder or craft more or be a better wife. No, I need Jesus.

(1). paraphrase taken from Scotty Smith’s Everyday Prayers: 365 Days to a Gospel-Centered Faith

longing...

Oh, how my flesh longs for things that don’t satisfy. A puppy, a house, a better physique... and oh, how my soul aches for something greater.  

I have found myself in the last several months pretty discontent. Discontent with the way I look, though at times I don’t make any strides to make a change. Discontent with living in a place that I love, yet longing for a new home. Discontent with really really REALLY wanting a puppy but a husband who always says no (rightfully so. we can’t have one where we live).

At times I make these desires primary and forget so quickly how my soul thirsts for someone far greater. Jesus satisfies my soul. Not just a little bit or every once in awhile. He ultimately and completely satisfies the deepest longings and needs of my heart. I long to be known and Jesus knows me. I long to be comforted and Jesus satisfies that comfort. I long to have peace and to experience joy and in Jesus is the only place I can find those things. 

John 20:31 reminds me of the truth that we find life in Jesus...”but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” I need to hear this truth all of the time. This truth is for those who have never known Jesus and for those who do know Jesus. 

As I reflect during this Advent season on the truth that Jesus is our thirst quencher, my soul finds rest. I am reminded that Jesus is ultimately enough for me, for you, for everyone and everything. If you know Jesus or have never known Jesus...come, drink, and find life in the One who lived a life we should have lived and died a death we deserved to die, who makes us righteous before a Holy God and in whom we find hope. 

I got dumped.

So, I didn’t actually get dumped. But it sure feels like it.

Let me explain.

Dustin and I have been house hunting. It has been a lot like dating. I mean it feels a lot like dating. At times, it has felt like a bad online dating experience. We fall in love with what we see on the Internet, but have felt deceived when we see it in person. Other times we fall too fast for something we don’t know much about but want to do what we can to make it work.

Over the last several weeks we thought we had found “the one.” We stumbled upon (well, a good friend actually showed us) a beautiful home in Midtown. We were hesitant at first. Kind of like when you go on a date with someone you have a major crush on but when its time to actually go on a date you get really nervous and you’re kind of cautious.

Long story short, we fell in love. We prayed about it. We fantasized about the hopes of having this home be a place where we could welcome friends, families and strangers. We looked at our numbers. We prayed about it some more. We consulted our parents. We prayed about it again. We started shopping online for things you would need: washer/dryer, things I want but can’t always afford from World Market (that was just for fun). We didn’t want to get our hopes up about this house. It seemed pretty promising. We were confident this was what the Lord wanted. We became emotionally attached.

Then, like a dating relationship, we made our move. We put in an offer (which really is a whole other story). But anyway, we put in an offer. I am not sure I ever felt as vulnerable. It’s like when you put yourself out there for a potential dating relationship. I always jumped the gun with those and wound up normally telling the guy I liked him first. Sometimes that worked in my favor. Most of the time not. But that’s neither here nor there.

Not even 24 hours later, we were rejected. I’d like to believe it’s not personal. I’m sure it’s not. But I instantly went to a place of feeling like a failure, like we weren’t good enough. I asked questions like, “What did we do wrong?” “What could we have done differently?” It didn’t matter. The reality is that they accepted another offer. But there I was. Vulnerable. Heartbroken. I felt like I was dumped by someone I hadn’t been with very long, but long enough to leave me crying like a hot mess.

It’s been 7 hours. I’m much better. My husband took me out for frozen yogurt and in some ways that helped a lot. I realized a lot of things in the last 7 hours though. God is still good. That truth didn’t change and I am very thankful for that. His love for Dustin and me didn’t change. In fact, I believe he loves us so much that there are reasons we don’t understand of why we didn’t get this house that HE knows and it’s for our good. My dad reminded me of Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose.” God will work things out for our good even if it’s not what we wanted or pictured.

Maybe this was a reminder to not put my hope in the things of this world. They are so fleeting. Maybe it was a good reminder of how easily my heart can begin to idolize things that are good, but should be secondary in comparison to my relationship with Jesus.

I pulled out an old journal today. I hadn’t written in it for over 2.5 years and had flipped to a page I wrote while I was dating my last boyfriend before Dustin. (I should note that the journal is real cute; it has quaint little houses on it-- how wonderful.) Anyway, reading about my relationship with this other guy reminded me of how beautifully God works things out. It didn’t work out with that guy. I remember when we broke up I was pretty vulnerable. Pretty heartbroken. But God knew exactly what he was doing. He healed my heart shortly after and I eventually met Dustin.

Whether it’s my husband or a house, one thing is for sure: My hope can only be found in the Lord. In him only I find complete satisfaction. House hunting is good and it’s fun and it’s hard. But ultimately even having a home is fleeting. It doesn’t last. As much as we desire to have a home with a good foundation (which is good and wise) we desire more to make buying a home secondary to living a life marked by the transforming truth of the Gospel. We don’t have anything to prove or to work to be approved. In Christ, we have always been approved. Clinging to that truth tonight.

hard days; gracious God.

I thought about writing a post about how my husband and I have been married for a blissful (hard, humbling, fun, frustrating, at times impatient but with great joy) 11 months today. Instead, I struggled for a brief moment after learning my husband was going to be traveling for 3 weeks in a row, wondering what the hell I got myself into when I married him. Harsh? Yeah, I know. But my heart wrestled with the reality of the importance of understanding and supporting my husband in his career and my selfish desire to have him all to myself every day of the week.

God so graciously reminded me that even if Dustin was home every day of the week for the rest of our lives, it still wouldn’t ultimately satisfy me. My hope doesn’t come from Dustin being home but in the One who sustains me, comforts me, rebukes me, encourages me and loves me in the moments when Dustin is gone. I need Jesus. Jesus is my only hope. Yeah, it sucks when my husband is gone. But, I am not alone. I am not abandoned or neglected. 

Praise the Lord. 

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.” Psalm 62:5-7

yum. banana nut muffins [healthier version]

So, every once in awhile I find a recipe I like. I would like to make a lot of things but if I look through our pantry and we don't have the stuff I usually forget about it. Dustin and I (mostly me...but that's okay) we are on a "[screw] bread" kick. Bread is so good and so awful. I hate the way it makes me feel after I eat it. Often times I wonder if it contributes to my digestive issues (sorry, I'm not sorry about sharing that information). Anyway, I found a recipe for some paleo banana nut muffins. They are pretty delicious. I found the recipe here. 

Ingredients 

3 ripe bananas

6 eggs

1/3 cup coconut oil, melted

2 tbsp honey

1 tbsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup coconut flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1 tbsp cinnamon (I put more in because I love cinnamon)

1/3 cup chopped walnuts (I used almond because that is all I had)

Enjoy! 

I didn't get a picture of the after. I was too anxious to try them and by the time I thought about it, I was too lazy.

marriage is hard.

A couple of weekends ago Dustin and I went to a wedding of one of his college buddies. Having only been married for not quite a year, everyone always asks us about our marriage. The easy answer would be to say, "It's so awesome. Oh my gosh, it's the best." But what I typical say is, "It's so great. Hard at times, but so good." I think it throws people off mostly because our culture nowadays doesn't know how to respond to situations like that. Have you ever asked someone how they are doing and people respond with, “I'm not doing so good.” I mean, I love a good heart-to-heart and an opportunity to speak truth and life into someone's life, but it tends to throw us off when someone is blunt and honest and tells you they aren't doing that great.

I feel like it's the same with the marriage question. How's marriage? “Oh, today it was really hard. My husband didn’t meet expectations that I unconsciously created for him. We fought about the air conditioner, our plans for the evening and he didn’t put the laundry away while I was gone at book club like he said he would. But, I realized how selfish I was being, my heart was beating ungraciously and I was reminded of how impatient I am with myself to take the time to communicate to him what I would have loved for him to do while I was out for a few hours.” How’s that for the truth? I mean, I guess it would be easy to say everything is WONDERFUL and Dustin is the most perfect man in the whole world. But, I would be lying. Not because I don’t think he is great; he is. But because, gosh we suck and we need Jesus and it’s a beautiful thing to know marriage is hard.

I find a lot of freedom in being able to admit that marriage is hard. Our premarital class at church was incredible. Wait, that might not be the right answer. It was a hard class at times. Dustin and I disagreed about things, we laughed, we cried and we celebrated. Because of those happenings, the class was incredible. Anyway, we are so thankful for the class because like many other couples, marriage is hard. There are so many things that come up because of our sin, our pasts, our families and everything in between that affect our marriages. I truly believe that if we had not had those who taught our class, our mentor couple and transparent relationships with friends who are married, then we would have been in total shock when we had our first fight as a married couple (which, by the way, happened the very next day when it came to packing for our honeymoon).

I love being married. It’s hard work, but it’s a good kind of hard. Like the kind that constantly humbles you and brings you to your knees asking the Lord for help. The kind of hard that draws you closer together. It’s the kind of hard that allows you to be open and honest with others about what marriage is really like.

People may continue to ask how our marriage is, because it’s a good conversation starter, and I will continue to be honest with people. I’m not bound by other’s opinions of how I answer that question. It brings me joy to be reminded of my freedom in the One that draws me to himself when marriage does get hard. I am so thankful for God’s grace in that way.

There’s grace for you too, married ones. God didn’t leave us to ourselves, even in the midst of our marriages, to figure crap out on our own. Praise Jesus. Bring others into your life as a reminder you aren’t alone. Acknowledge that marriage is hard, draw near to the God who created the mystery and ask Him for help.